i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
