There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
