i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
