Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
