my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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