watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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