Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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