so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
