Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
