As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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