Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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