Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
