So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
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