And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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