ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
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