how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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