just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
