I have demons in me.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
