I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Actions speak louder than pants.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Semen is not good for contacts.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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