If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
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