woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
worst night to have a conscience
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
