I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
