she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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