how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
