I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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