Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
