Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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