Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
