I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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