He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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