Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
