I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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