11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
