shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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