Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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