I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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