You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
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