My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
