I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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