that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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