your parents love me but you hate me
I hate all girls vehemently.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
you had me at cake vodka
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
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