Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
