Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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