It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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