So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
