Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
