the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
