I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
