I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
