the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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