I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
