i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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