It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
