i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
