If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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