Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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