i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
