Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
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