You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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