Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
