he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
